Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
