Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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