on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
