After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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