My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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