I bet he comes in French.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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