Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
