I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
