Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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