girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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