I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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