i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
