I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
