She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He has the fingertips of a God
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