At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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