i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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