I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
