i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
