I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
