I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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