And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
