I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
