fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Small penises have feelings too.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
