get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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