somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
