My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
