my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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