Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I want a musical about memes.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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