Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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