i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
