I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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