If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
