Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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