I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize