I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
