Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
