did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
How external is "for external use only"?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
