I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
