My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize