he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
