His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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