Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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