Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
