alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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