dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
