i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
