And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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