Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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