Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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