you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
