do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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