Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
