your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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