i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
