it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
