i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
