the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
