What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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