i already hear my dad disowning me
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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