So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize