My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
