I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
