I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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