i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
