Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize