id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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