I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
