i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
