If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i drank out of a bidet.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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