she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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