John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
