she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
