I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
this is an emotional support booty call
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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