In the future we'll all be gay
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
